Ketchup (or catching-up)
Yikes! My last post was before Halloween. It’s time to update my three readers!
My first semester of teacher prep went very well. I received stellar ratings from my practicum advisor and my cooperating teacher. My Cooperating teacher, Mrs. Heiser, was a kinders teacher with a big heart and an oceanful of patience. She taught me so much about how to learn from my mistakes, and to learn from the kids that I teach. More and more I see myself less as the a teacher, and more as a student who simply gets to lead the lessons. Sure, I will be in charge in my classroom, and there are many times when my students will be far from helpful, but so often my students help me to look at life in a much simpler way than I normally would. i loved the eager minds of my little kinders. They really do want to learn at that point in life. I am still terrified to be a teacher, scared of the responsibility, but those who are not scared worry me too. I think it’s healthy to fear a responsibility this big. I have confidence in my abilities, but I understand that the role of “teacher” should never be taken lightly. I am in the process of putting together my teachers college applications. Prayer would be greatly appreciated, as I will have to leave UNL and go to UNK or UNO if I am not accepted. 
(No, UNL will not kick me out, but I will want to go to a different program, rather than reapply after another semester.)
I am a senior now, but I have two years left. i have recently put a lot of thought into how to spend the next two years. I have made several new friends that I am excited to know more, and I am also happy that some old friends will be moving closer to lincoln. I am ready for a new chapter in my life, complete with new surroundings, new people, and new experiences. not to leave the old behinds, but to add new in.
I have missed riding a lot lately, which is nothing new, but I am hoping that my summer at home will provide me with more opportunities to borrow horses and catch a few pony rides 
I also get to spend some time in England this summer! My aunt and uncle have been living there for years, and we have never gotten to make the trip. I have always had a lot of interest in visiting, and my uncle offered up some of his frequent flyer miles, so my ticket will be free. I hope to travel around a little while Im there, but I would be content with just seeing my family and the base that they live on.
I am so stinking proud of my brother, I thought I should mention it. He is at Doane this year, triple jumping with the track team. He loves it, and I love watching him. It is so cool to watch him continue to grow and become such a cool young man (i feel super old saying that, dont judge me!) But seriously, he is awesome.
I miss my far away friends, Steve and Laura in particular. I think a trip to Greensboro is in the works this summer
God has been giving me huge opportunities lately. i got a job at the YMCA where i go to an elementary school in the mornings before school. I love it. I get a free Y membership, more childcare experience, and a break from my job at american eagle, which I am totally burnt out on. this job has also provided new friends and its so much fun!
I am so thankful for my parents, who have been super supportive while I apply to the teachers college. i took some time of from work to focus on school, and they supported me both emotionally and financially. I love them so much!
I have a lot more to say, but it will have to wait since I am headed to class. (entomology, the study of bugs.) but, i am going to try to make blogging a daily thing, so you will hear from me more this semester.
Love,
Kels
A Halloween poem for you:
5 little pumpkins, sitting on a gate..
The first one said “Oh my, it’s getting late!”
The second one said “There are witches in the air!’
The third one said, “But we don’t care!”
The fourth one said “Lets run and run and run!”
The fifth one said “I’m ready for some fun!”
OOOOOOH went the wind, and OUT went the light!
And the five little pumpkins rolled out of sight.
Seriously, its 2:30 a.m. and Im at perkins, procrastinating..
Thoughts lately:
1. Kindergarteners rock.
2. sleep isn’t as important as I thought it was.
3. Twitter is addicting and weird.
4. Its go time at school, and Im hoping that Im ready for it!
5. God really is good. I have a warm house to sleep in, tough classes to challenge me, and some fantastic friends and fam!
a long post, because there is so much nonsense to say…
Lots going on lately, might be hard to make sense of everything in a post, but this is ok because no one reads this.
First off Im starting to be ok. I think..
Fantastic weekend with my roommate, first in a loooong time, which is bittersweet because I know that she will be leaving in 6 months. I almost get teary thinking about my best friend being so far away. Shes been so much in the past two years: support, a burst of reality, the person who makes me laugh when I just cant. She will be so missed.
Lost a friend recently, Dusty Von Loh. I didn’t know Dusty well, which is probably the first true regret I have ever experienced. He was just Heather’s husband to me, and then he got sick and I was able to spend time with him and his family here in Lincoln. I got to see the wonderful father that he was, and how much he truly loved Heather and Grace and their unborn baby. And then a month after being diagnosed with a type of Lymphoma, he died from a blood infection. Everything happened really fast, and of course made me think, as these things usually do. I’m glad it wasn’t me, which is horrible to say, but true just the same. It freaks me out to think that someone could be ok, winning their war with cancer, and then to loose their life to a complication in their life saving treatment. I had a talk with someone recently, about the idea of things being fair. I get that life isn’t, but some things are just so “un-fair”, that its tough to wrap my head around them. Heather is alone with a two year old daughter, pregnant with Dustys son. He left her with a home that still needs repairs, and a farm with animals to care for. And it sucks, and Im pissed that she has to do all of this by herself. I question God everyday, and Im so mad at Him for taking Dusty. How is one supposed to believe in God’s awesome plan when it sucks so much right now? Im starting to see that God has not left Heather in the dark alone, that he has given her support of friends and family, and a way to provide for herself and the kids. I can see that their baby, Dustin Jr., will be such a blessing. I know that God has a fantastic plan and I am really trying to trust that it will be Ok.
Started my journey towards being a teacher this semester, and so far it has been tough but so fun. My special education classes are so interesting, and they make me excited to learn more. My practicum in the kindergarten room at Fredstrom elementary is such a learning experience! I am so thankful for such a great cooperating teacher who truly wants us to learn, and for my practicum partner, Bailey, who helps me to really think about the interactions that I have with the kids. And ofcourse I am sooooo thankful for the kiddos, who are sometimes trying but mostly sweet and kind. So far I have been drawn on, had rocks thrown at me, lost one child (only for about 3 seconds, but man was I freaked out!) and narrowly avoided projectile puke, but it has been so much fun.
Work is becoming more and more of a task, rather than something I enjoy. Both jobs have become increasingly boring. Part of this is an economy that makes people scared to buy luxuries like fast food and new clothes, but I think I am really starting to realize that I just want to teach and be with kids, and these jobs will not help me much in preparing for that.
A friend has made an impact on my life without even knowing it. He was only trying to talk me into visiting him at his new home on the west coast, but he said some things that jolted my mind. He talked about knowing so many people and having a network of friends that he will never be alone. Do I have this? Could I step out of my comfort zone and not be alone? I am too complacent in my relationships, I should be building the ones I have and seeking new people to grow with, but instead I rely on the few people that I feel I can relate to. I need to work on this, a lot.
Rivertree church ruined my life today. Jake gave a sermon that hurt my brain and left my heart feeling very lowly and convicted. He talked about idols that we worship instead of God. How we worship food and work and school, rather than the God that gave us these things. I am not even sure what I am worshipping in God’s place, other than maybe a need for love and acceptance, which I would totally have in God if I would give in. But I absolutely don’t know how. Steve told me once how beautiful I was and a creation of God’s but I still don’t see myself being beautiful. Im not worthy to be a messenger for God, nor am I worthy of the beautiful friends and family that he has given me. I am certainly not deserving of love from another person, especially from a man. I cannot convince myself that I am worthy of romance, or a man to dote on me. How can I see these things differently? What do I change so that this can all work for me? So that I can give in a worship God and let Him have me.
Like I said this post is totally unorganized and mostly nonsense.
band aides…
It’s getting harder to see the good in things, and people. I guess its really true, that you can only be naïve or cynical, with no in between. If that is true, I am becoming a cynic, more so every day. It isn’t something I want to be, but life isn’t really lending itself to my naivety anymore. While watching Gracie last week I thought about how easy and simple it was to be a toddler, when a hug from mom and a drive-thru Happy Meal could fix everything. When beauty is seen and accepted and understood, without question. When hurts are forgotten as soon as band aides are adhered and kisses are given. I want a band aide, I need one to cover the hurt, but I cant seem to find the source. Hugs from mom are a temporary fix, and comforts fade fast. How am I supposed to find God in this mess? And if I have to look for Him, and tell myself He is there, then what is the point of looking? I have heard that when a bone breaks, it comes out stronger when it mends… is this true of faith? I though it was, it always seems to be true. But why does the strength and hope fade so fast, like the comfort of a hug or a band aide? And what is the point? At what point will the bandage break, and the comfort fade for good?
frustrating
its getting harder and harder to be a girl going after God’s heart when there are people out there, friends even, making sure you know that they are better at it than you. sure, thats a cop out, of course being a Christian isnt easy, and no, i shouldnt let it stop my pursuit, but it seems to be those closest to me that are pushing me the furthest away.
who even knows?
Winter break has been a bit of a waste, to be honest. I worked quite a few extra (and exhausting) hours at work and then came home and crashed almost every night (aside from one fun and drunk evening where I made a new friend) then Christmas came and I spent it with my family which was wonderful but it flew by wayyyy to fast. Then back to Lincoln for more work (surprised much?) and then New Years Eve, which was really fun but made me wish that I had more time to be social. Now Steph is gone and im pretty bored. But I have a lot of time to think, and read, and take naps and write and pray and play with the puppy.
New years resolutions:
(cliché, I know)
1: save up so money and go.. somewhere. Doesn’t matter where, just need to get away, preferably with my bff steph (also cliché, but she seriously is my bff) probably only for a dew days, but a vaca is def in order.
2: get healthy. Loose weight, work out, blah blah blah. Only I plan to do that stuff for me this time, not anyone else. Amazingly enough, that’s way better motivation.
3: read more. I need a library card, pronto.
4: work less. Or at least leave work at work. Its just not that important.
5: climb that damn wall. Seriously, when my sales lead position is over on march first, I am going climbing with my roomie.
6: last summer we had a pool and I never once swam in it or laid out by it. This summer, I AM getting a tan. Complete with dumb swimsuit and sports bra lines. No ifs, ands, or buts.
There wasn’t really a good way to transition in to them, so there. And anyone who knows me knows that I think new years resolutions are lame, but I guess im going to give them a trial run. I will let you know how they turn out.
Im sick, so I think its time to zone out now. The notebook has been on for like twenty minutes now and I haven’t changed the channel. Something must be wrong with me…
not so serious
its dead week and im prepping for finals and trying to deal with holiday madness at work and im tired and stressed and out of money. Im not much fun to be around, for sure.
so today, God lightened my mood. I was walking through campus in my nike shox, which are terrible shoes for me because my weak ankles turn them into high heels. Anyway I stepped off the sidewalk (walking and texting, bad idea # 2) and all but wiped out in the concourse, while hundreds of people walked by on their way to and from class. of course I immediately check to see if anyone had seen. (of course they saw, this was a stumbling, arms flailing event) then i realized how dumb i was to be so serious, and i cracked up. Well played God, well played.
I’m right back where I started; totally lost on what to do with my life, and more specifically, my education.
I mean, I know what I want to do, I just have no idea how to get there. I’m working on finishing my degree in family science, then hoping to move on to graduate studies in textiles, clothing, and design (merchandising, of course) That’s my plan because that’s what my advisor thought would be best. But the problem is, I don’t even know if I can get in to the master’s program. And A.E. has already presented some job opportunities. What do I do, turn down A.E. if they actually offer, or try to do both? Do I scrap my plans on a masters in fashion merchandising? Why does society do this to me? All these expectations, to have plans and stick to them and have “dreams”. I have “dreams” but no one can give me a concrete plan for how to attain them. Its all about the “if’s”, “if” I can get into the masters program, and “if” I can manage to finance a masters degree, and “if” I can even keep my head above water while trying to attain it. Shit!
Here’s what I want. I want to obtain training and go to work designing visuals for clothing stores. My family science education isn’t helping me much there, but my experience at A.E. (supported by loads of hands-on training and encouragement by the management teams that I work for) is setting me on the right track. But I need that education to qualify me. Blast! That’s what has been on my mind this week.
In other news:
The pinched nerve in my back has caused my upper back, shoulders, and left arm to go almost completely numb. Its pretty cool though, and the doctor swears its nothing to be immediately concerned about. In the mean time no heavy lifting. (why did I purchase that snap fitness membership?!)
I survived “black Friday” with NO grouchy customers. The days following have been smattered with a couple of grinches, to whom I say “Stay home!” But I’m loving the moms who come in and ask for my help selecting the perfect outfit for their daughter or son.
I have an ENTIRE weekend off! Mom is coming to Christmas shop, and help decorate the apartment. In high school I would have never imagined being excited to spend a weekend with my mom, but I am totally stoked!
Dead week starts officially on Monday, but I only have on little project to present, and then comes finals week. Wish me luck!
Baby bro is finally applying to colleges and talking to coaches and making visits. He’s pretty sure he’s going to Weslyan though, which means he will be in Lincoln, which I am totally excited about. Please pray that he finds the right place for him though.
Steve is coming home!! I’ve missed him a TON!
Love,
Me
so it turns out…
that all i am is a child of God. thats all that defines me and nothing else matters.
neat, huh?
sounds.
November Playlist – Top 10
Some describe how I’ve felt this month, some just sound good lately.
10. Consequence of Sounds – Regina Spektor
9. Labels or Love – Fergie
8. Flamenco Sketches – Miles Davis
7. Undertow – Sara Bareilles
6. Hey Jude – The Beatles
5. Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap
4. Candle – White Tie Affair
3. Ready for the Floor – Hot Chip
2. All We Are – Matt Nathanson
1. Food Chain – Eric Hutchinson
