frustrating
its getting harder and harder to be a girl going after God’s heart when there are people out there, friends even, making sure you know that they are better at it than you. sure, thats a cop out, of course being a Christian isnt easy, and no, i shouldnt let it stop my pursuit, but it seems to be those closest to me that are pushing me the furthest away.
who even knows?
Winter break has been a bit of a waste, to be honest. I worked quite a few extra (and exhausting) hours at work and then came home and crashed almost every night (aside from one fun and drunk evening where I made a new friend) then Christmas came and I spent it with my family which was wonderful but it flew by wayyyy to fast. Then back to Lincoln for more work (surprised much?) and then New Years Eve, which was really fun but made me wish that I had more time to be social. Now Steph is gone and im pretty bored. But I have a lot of time to think, and read, and take naps and write and pray and play with the puppy.
New years resolutions:
(cliché, I know)
1: save up so money and go.. somewhere. Doesn’t matter where, just need to get away, preferably with my bff steph (also cliché, but she seriously is my bff) probably only for a dew days, but a vaca is def in order.
2: get healthy. Loose weight, work out, blah blah blah. Only I plan to do that stuff for me this time, not anyone else. Amazingly enough, that’s way better motivation.
3: read more. I need a library card, pronto.
4: work less. Or at least leave work at work. Its just not that important.
5: climb that damn wall. Seriously, when my sales lead position is over on march first, I am going climbing with my roomie.
6: last summer we had a pool and I never once swam in it or laid out by it. This summer, I AM getting a tan. Complete with dumb swimsuit and sports bra lines. No ifs, ands, or buts.
There wasn’t really a good way to transition in to them, so there. And anyone who knows me knows that I think new years resolutions are lame, but I guess im going to give them a trial run. I will let you know how they turn out.
Im sick, so I think its time to zone out now. The notebook has been on for like twenty minutes now and I haven’t changed the channel. Something must be wrong with me…
not so serious
its dead week and im prepping for finals and trying to deal with holiday madness at work and im tired and stressed and out of money. Im not much fun to be around, for sure.
so today, God lightened my mood. I was walking through campus in my nike shox, which are terrible shoes for me because my weak ankles turn them into high heels. Anyway I stepped off the sidewalk (walking and texting, bad idea # 2) and all but wiped out in the concourse, while hundreds of people walked by on their way to and from class. of course I immediately check to see if anyone had seen. (of course they saw, this was a stumbling, arms flailing event) then i realized how dumb i was to be so serious, and i cracked up. Well played God, well played.
I’m right back where I started; totally lost on what to do with my life, and more specifically, my education.
I mean, I know what I want to do, I just have no idea how to get there. I’m working on finishing my degree in family science, then hoping to move on to graduate studies in textiles, clothing, and design (merchandising, of course) That’s my plan because that’s what my advisor thought would be best. But the problem is, I don’t even know if I can get in to the master’s program. And A.E. has already presented some job opportunities. What do I do, turn down A.E. if they actually offer, or try to do both? Do I scrap my plans on a masters in fashion merchandising? Why does society do this to me? All these expectations, to have plans and stick to them and have “dreams”. I have “dreams” but no one can give me a concrete plan for how to attain them. Its all about the “if’s”, “if” I can get into the masters program, and “if” I can manage to finance a masters degree, and “if” I can even keep my head above water while trying to attain it. Shit!
Here’s what I want. I want to obtain training and go to work designing visuals for clothing stores. My family science education isn’t helping me much there, but my experience at A.E. (supported by loads of hands-on training and encouragement by the management teams that I work for) is setting me on the right track. But I need that education to qualify me. Blast! That’s what has been on my mind this week.
In other news:
The pinched nerve in my back has caused my upper back, shoulders, and left arm to go almost completely numb. Its pretty cool though, and the doctor swears its nothing to be immediately concerned about. In the mean time no heavy lifting. (why did I purchase that snap fitness membership?!)
I survived “black Friday” with NO grouchy customers. The days following have been smattered with a couple of grinches, to whom I say “Stay home!” But I’m loving the moms who come in and ask for my help selecting the perfect outfit for their daughter or son.
I have an ENTIRE weekend off! Mom is coming to Christmas shop, and help decorate the apartment. In high school I would have never imagined being excited to spend a weekend with my mom, but I am totally stoked!
Dead week starts officially on Monday, but I only have on little project to present, and then comes finals week. Wish me luck!
Baby bro is finally applying to colleges and talking to coaches and making visits. He’s pretty sure he’s going to Weslyan though, which means he will be in Lincoln, which I am totally excited about. Please pray that he finds the right place for him though.
Steve is coming home!! I’ve missed him a TON!
Love,
Me
so it turns out…
that all i am is a child of God. thats all that defines me and nothing else matters.
neat, huh?
sounds.
November Playlist – Top 10
Some describe how I’ve felt this month, some just sound good lately.
10. Consequence of Sounds – Regina Spektor
9. Labels or Love – Fergie
8. Flamenco Sketches – Miles Davis
7. Undertow – Sara Bareilles
6. Hey Jude – The Beatles
5. Speeding Cars – Imogen Heap
4. Candle – White Tie Affair
3. Ready for the Floor – Hot Chip
2. All We Are – Matt Nathanson
1. Food Chain – Eric Hutchinson
sometimes God is kinda blunt.
So this is what God told me..
“any relationship without me is just lust.”
And everyone is like, “duh Kels, that’s totally obvious. We all knew that, where have you been?”
What HAVE I been doing? Why haven’t I been letting him in to EVERY relationship I hold? I tend only to let him into those deep relationships that are so obviously centered on Him. All other relationships simply occupy my thoughts, not my prayers. My wishful romantic self is completely separate, as is any romantic relationship I attempt. Which is, of course, why they fail.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice evermore.
Pray without ceasing.
In every thing give thanks:
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus
concerning you.
change of plans.
Just a little update, or change of plans if you will… I gave up on fashion merchandising as an undergrad because it would mean 3ish more years of undergrad studies. So I’m finishing my family science degree and the majoring in merchandising. Of all people, my mom is the one telling me I’m selling myself short (didn’t see that one coming…!) but I feel like Gods plans for me aren’t so much focused on school right now. If they are, then I’m messing up royally. But I could still really use some prayer at the moment. Please.
Love,
kels
ramblings
what is the deal with wanting stuff for no reason? Or not stuff really, more like people. More like boys. Or love. When you get right down to it, its love that I crave. Like that mushy romantic junk you see in movies. And this want just seems to occur when ever it feels like it. It makes my heart ache for hand holding and kisses on the forehead and all kinds of lovey junk that doesn’t actually matter. I realize it’s a craving and nothing more, but its one that makes my heart ache.
give me YOUR eyes, for just one second
i got home from work at 7 oclock this morning, after being there for nine hours. someone though it would be a good idea to do a floorset in the middle of the week when no one was available (i love my job, i love my job, i love my job…) but thank the lord i made it home in the pouring rain, which was beautiful. the night was fantastic, except for the floorset part, lol… and I am soooooo thankful for the wornderful people who are working so hard to help me develop into a manager. and more so thankful to God for putting them in my life.
oh, and i think i see a promotion in my future. 
also, this song keeps coming on the radio at all the perfect times:
“give me YOUR eyes for just one second, give me YOUR eyes so i can see,
everything that i’ve been missin, give me YOUR love for humanity.
give me YOUR arms for the broken hearted, the ones who are far beyond my reach.
give me YOUR heart for the ones forgotten, give me YOUR eyes so i can see.”
Lord please give me your eyes so I can see the things that you want me to see, and the way you want me to go, and the people that need You.
